Why this Asian is going to kill you in Fantasy Football

I’ve been playing fantasy football for nearly a decade and won back to back championships in 2005 (thanks largely to a career year from Shawn Alexander) and 2006. Fantasy football is a straightforward. You pick real NFL players for your fantasy team—who score points based on their real life performances. At the end of the season, the team with the most fantasy points wins the league and tons of bragging rights. Yesterday, my friends and I met up to conduct our annual fantasy football draft, which we do in-person.

Most experts would agree that preparation is the key to success. Like most fantasy players, I analyze research reports, scan draft sheets and read up on the latest news. But there’s one quality you can’t prepare for: being Asian. Aside from me, there’s only one other Vietnamese person in the league and he’s starting to bald (@New Guy that Sucks). Here are five reasons why Asians are awesome at fantasy football and why this Asian is going to figuratively kill you, utterly and completely.

#1: Awesome at computer games.
Asians (Koreans in particular) are revered as being the best e-sports gamers in the world, which means fantasy football naturally plays into our strengths as gamers: it’s not a contact sport! We can do it behind a computer or in groups of friends while drinking bubble tea. So why don’t you stick to your day job in the print shop (@Chicken Dinner) and leave the gaming up to the pros

#2: Good with numbers.
If football is a game of inches, than fantasy football is a game of numbers. It’s a common stereotype that all Asian Americans are great at math, which is totally misleading. But me personally, I am awesome at math (which, oddly enough, I attribute to being Asian). Do you stick with the reliable QB Tom Brady (ave rank 43.27, std dev 11.64) or take a chance on RB Eddie Lacy (ave rank 51.10, std dev 16.16). I bet you don’t even know what standard deviation means. Maybe it’s because Italy is ranked 29th in the world in math (@Three and Out) whereas Hong Kong is #1. Booyah!

#3: Detail oriented.
Who has an uncanny ability to take large amounts of data and summarize it into easy to understand flow charts, graph and tables? This Asian b^.^d. So while you were foolishly drafting back to back QBs in Rounds 3 and 4 (@Good Jay), I was using my super-efficient flowchart to draft a QB in Round 7 followed by a WR in Round 8.

#4: Godlike endurance.
I absolutely do not have what it takes to go four quarters against the NFL’s biggest and meanest. They would destroy me with a mere thought. Thankfully, in fantasy football endurance is measured by how long we can sit in front of a computer and read reports, which I have mastered. I spend more time in front of a computer than I do sleeping in my bed. I even roasted a pig for 18 straight hours once! That’s commitment. So while other players in are getting yelled at by their girlfriends (@Balls Deep, @ACL), I will be home (alone) surfing away on my computer and getting one step closer to a trophy.

#5: Obsession with perfection.
I attribute this quality to my parents, who taught me the value of perfection while they pitted my sister and me against each other to win their love and affection. Everyone talks about how crazy the “Tiger Mom” is, but Tiger Children are vicious. I’ve developed a single-minded focus on being the best, which leads to wins, which ultimately leads to a championship. Feel free to stick the prize money in a lucky red “li xi” envelope with my name on it (@Erryday Im Russellin). 2013 is the year for Pho King (that’s me) to bring home another trophy—thanks to my natural Asian qualities.

***

After our fantasy draft, Yahoo sent me Draft Report Card that read “Draft Grade: D. With Too Many Reaches Early, Pho King Looks Destined for the Bottom of the Standings.” F@#$ you Yahoo!!!

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