Five reasons you want an Asian to move in next door

Last month, I described how my neighbor said she didn’t want Asians to move into the vacant three-bedroom townhouse next to us, which was ironic because she was already living next to two Asian households. Fast forward a few weeks: the townhouse has been sold and the new owner is…Asian! Booyah! Karma’s a bitch.

Our newest neighbor is named Alex. I briefly met him earlier this week. An unknown car was parked in Alex’s driveway and blocked the entrance into his garage. He asked if I knew who the owner was, but I didn’t. Since his house had been vacant for so long, people have gotten used to parking in his space. “You should put up a sign because that will probably keep happening.”

“Yeah, it’s ok now,” he replied, “but next time I will tow their ass.” It was Alex’s first home so he was flexing his home owner’s muscle.

I felt like Alex and I really clicked—like our Asian genes created an instant brotherly bond. I assumed Alex was just like me: can’t dribble a basketball, loves to sing karaoke, eats rice and is great at math and science. As we talked, I learned that he worked for Safeway and is a member of the National Guard. He seemed like a cool, normal guy, but only time will tell–but please not an Asian ax murderer, they are the worst.

So as it turns out, my next door neighbor was wrong about Asians being loud neighbors. I didn’t know Alex has moved in at all until he talked–he was ninja silent. In fact, next time I see her, I’m going to ask how she feels now that an Asian person just moved in. I think if people really got to know us, then everyone would clamor for an Asian neighbor like me or Alex (but mostly me). Here are five reasons why.

#1: Peace and quiet: The only noise you’re likely to hear from an Asian household is the soothing melody of a piano or violin. Our parents force us to master stringed instruments because brass and drums are vulgar to Asian ears (that’s what hipsters and devil worshipers listen to).

#2: Pretty on the outside: I don’t know about other families, but my dad is a hoarder. This is probably good for the beauty of a neighborhood since all of our junk stays inside the house.

#3: You won’t even know we’re here: We love working ten hours a day and studying for an additional five. So between work and studying, we’re so exhausted by the time we get home that all we do is eat, watch Korean dramas and then go to bed.

Asians see everything... Photo by stevendepolo
Asians see everything…
Photo by stevendepolo

#4: We dial 9-1-1: We’re great on neighborhood watch. I won’t even let my sister into my home without saying the password. Because Asians are protective of their home, we will readily call 911 to report any suspicious activity. Exception: Said Asian does not speak English, in which case they will lock the doors, shut the blinds and pretend nobody is home.

#5: Smells good: Sure, everyone has a neighbor that grills hamburgers and hot dogs. But wouldn’t you love to have an Asian neighbor that makes Korean BBQ? Plus, we’re culturally obliged to share food. Warning: You might occasionally get a waft of durian. Sorry.

***

Ok, so those are some pretty stupid and silly reasons why you should want an Asian neighbor. The truth is we’re just like any other type of household. Whether we own or rent, most Asians want to live in a home and community where we are safe, are able to live and thrive, and create a future to grow old in. I think that’s a vision that everyone in America strives for.

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